In my introspection about what I experienced in the past few years is the concept of self hatred or self loathing. This was the part of me who despised and loathed myself. As many of my readers know, I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a child from the age of eight when I left my grandparents who raised me to live with my parents.
From the age of eight, I was escape-goated by my parents for the failings of my family. As I was the outsider who came to live with them and my younger brother, I was not really considered part of this family. As such, I became the target of abuse by both my parents.
For a long time, I could not figure out why my life was filled with pain, sadness, and suffering. I attracted sex offenders, physical abusers, and stalkers into my life. I felt like a victim, and lived the life of a victim. As I entered into different forms of therapeautic emotional treatements, I started to understand why this was happening to me.
In looking back at my life, I even “self-sabotaged” my own life when I did meet kind and caring people. Because I was emotionally injured, I was unable to engaged and continue in healthy relationships with them. Others who were kind and caring people, I found them boring and unexciting. I self-sabotaged so many of these relationships by cheating, deceiving, and lying to them.
I then again attracted sex offenders, physical abusers, and stalkers into my life. I realize that I did this because I despised and loathed myself as I did not feel I deserved any better; this was all I was worth and deserved. This self hatred was imbedded in my emotional body, and hard-wired within me.
It took looking straight at the darkness within me to realized that others were not causing me hurt and pain, as I was causing my own pain, sadness, and suffering. I then began to admit to myself that I was the true cause of my own pain, sadness, and suffering.
This acknowledgment was the first step in turning my life around. I next began to take responsibility for my own decisions, behaviors, and actions. I took back my own power by taking responsibility for my own life. It is only I who can change my life, and no one else can do this for me. As I began to change my perspective, I started to see a change within and found the good within me. I learned who I am and began accepting myself for who I am.
This was the beginning of my emotional healing journey to wholeness. The blessings on this journey are so many as we finally meet people who love us, attract those who do good in the world, and encounter circumstances and situations that are in our highest good. May you find your path to emotional healing and wholeness. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)