I recently started Jazz flute lessons with a professional musician and flute teacher. This process has much significance for me, since I started playing the flute when I was about 12 years old, and piano when I was 8 years old. During those formative years of my life, I also was struggling with sexual and physical abuse by my father, and emotional and physical abuse by my mother. I poured myself into practicing for up to 3 to 5 hours a day, and became lost in this solitude and safety. Music saved my life as a child, but along with my music as a coping and survival skill, it also carries with it all the trauma and terror from my childhood.
During my second recent flute lesson, I felt afraid of my teacher and his disapproval of my playing. I know this fear is within me. My self esteem and fear of failure are very much tied to my music playing. I remember as a child freezing on stage and unable to continue playing. Performance anxiety has been one of the reactions to my fears when I perform. It was quite a shock for all my fears to come to the surface now after so many years has passed.
I am taking these flute lessons not only to learn to play jazz, but to heal from my childhood wounds. It is forcing me to confront the fears of my past, and the feelings arising from these fears. I certainly did not expect it to be so difficult reliving my childhood emotions. I believe that I will begin to remember my repressed and suppressed memories and feelings of fear, sadness, isolation, and vulnerability.
It may help me release the trauma that I have buried for so long, because I don’t remember many memories from my childhood. I now am starting to remember feelings of sadness, loneliness, and isolation. There was so much pain and hurt in the little girl that was me. I wanted desperately for approval, love, and protection. Now, as an adult, I can provide this approval, love, and protection for myself, and find the self love that I never learned.
I give myself permission to make mistakes when I am not perfect. I forgive myself when I make mistakes because I am not perfect. I give myself approval even when I make mistakes because I am not perfect. I give myself love even when I make mistakes because I am not perfect. I realize that this is what the little girl within me lacked, needed, and deserved. I deserve this love, and so do so many little boys and girls out there! (Copyright 2020 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)