Accepting the End

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When I saw this above meme, I realize it was speaking to me.  For the past five years, I have been letting go of everything I have ever known or understood about my own life.  It is a gradual process of releasing my ego’s identity and how I see myself.  It is the Dark Night of the Soul as many describe on their spiritual journeys.

This awareness and recognition of who I was and my darkness within, gave me the vision and intention to change my life once and for all.  Along the way, I had to leave my old negative patterns of behaviors and thinking, and leaving people, things and places behind in order to transform my own life.

I do not believe it is possible to keep your old life, and live a completely different new life. In my opinion, it is an illusion and fiction we tell ourselves so as to avoid doing the necessary hard and real emotional work in order to transform and heal.

I have observed many including Kundalini active individuals who exist through spiritual bypass.  Please see my earlier post on “Awareness of Spiritual Bypass.”  During spiritual bypass, they focus on intuitive powers and only on the spiritual light, experience ego inflation, avoid the darkness that is within each of us, or engaged in inappropriate or abusive behaviors convincing themselves that this is intended to help others.  Unfortunately, a life changing or traumatic event in their lives will bring them back to their unresolved emotional issues as they have been operating in ego or smaller selves.

I have come to understand that Kundalini active individuals are no different than others.  Although we have heightened intuitive abilities and have the ability to accerelerate our emotional healing, if we don’t raise our consciousness, release our egos, or confont the darkness within us, no healing will take place and our intuitive abilities may be used to harm others through manipulations by convincing ourselves that this is intended to help others.

I have been the victim of such spiritual abuse and have observed Kundalini active individuals engaged in sexual exploitation, sexual molestation, sexual assault, marital infidelity, and others boundary violations. I have since forgiven them for these trepasses. However, if you don’t use your gifts for good, you can lie to yourself and others by convincing yourself that these violations are to help and benefit others.

Our ego’s denial is a tricky thing, and we all fall prey to it.  If we identify with ego, we will believe this denial.  It is easier to just see the light within ourselves, but it is the darkness within that we must confront and transform before true light is possible.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

Understanding Rage

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I have come to understand that all humans have rage, but just in differing degrees.  This rage is the result of unadressed accumulated painful or traumatic experiences over the course of many soul lives. Rage can be expressed outwardly or inwardly, or a combination of the two.

I have observed many who turn their rage inwardly toward themselves.  They self mutilate and harm, such as cutting, suicide attempts, substance abuse, anorexia, addictions, etc. Other turn their rage outwardly by harming others, such as verbal and physical altercations, physical and sexual assaults, destruction of theirs or others possessions, instigation conflicts, etc.

Earlier in my life, I exhibited turning the rage toward myself through self harm as I was so depressed and anxious that I had suicidal thoughts and addictions, but I also exhibited anger outwardly as I instigated conflicts, started verbal altercations, and destroyed possessions.  I am not proud of my past, but I acknowledged and confronted my reality in order to change these negative patterns in my life.

When I am around others who exhibit these behaviors now, I provide resources and support to them when they request help and assistance.  However, the majority of the people I encounter still are in deep denial and in deep slumber.  It appears that awakening is still very far off for them because of their fear of the truth. I also believe that those who are Kundalini active still may remain in denial, as the rise of Kundalini energy does not equate to awakening or enlightenment as this energy merely provide the potential for awakening or enlightenment.

It has been difficult for me as I help those who ask for help, but I also move on from those who remain in denial.  I believe that my energy is better served to help those who are on the cusp of awareness and transformation, but my energy is simply wasted on those who wish to remain in denial. It feels like bashing my head against a brick wall over and over again.  I try to send these people love and healing energy from afar, but I choose to move onto those who really want and accept my help for their transformation.

During this holiday, I wish for peace, love, and awareness for all of humanity.  May we heal ourselves and our world. Sending blessings of love, peace, and joy to you! (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

New Lenses, New Perspectives

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The final days of this phase of my spiritual journey allows me see the last five years in a different perspective.  What I tolerated earlier on my journey, simply is unacceptable now. My level of toleratnce for bad behaviors become less, and the quality of my life has improved significantly.  The two things are directly proportional, and it is we who sets the appropriate boundaries for those engaging in bad behaviors.

As we heal, we begin to see our world through different lenses.  It is this different perspective that is the manifestation of true changes and growth. Through these new lenses, we simply see our reality in a different way.  As a result, we make different and better choices for ouselves, and react and feel differently about our reality.

As I have sold my home here, completed my current job here, accepted a new job and rented a new home in California, I am free to move forward onto the next phase of my spiritual and emotional growth.  For the first time, I realize there is no end to this evolution of our souls.  It continues to evolve higher and higher, and where it ends no one knows.

I am grateful I have found this path forward as I have been lost and floundering for many soul lives.  In this life, it is meant for me to heal my soul wounds, and become the soul I am meant to become.  It is my soul that I am healing and spirtually growing, as I know this body will only be on this earth for short time.  My spirit shall rise, and my soul life will be forever transformed. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

The Dark Night of the Soul of America

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As many of you have heard the United States elected Donald Trump to be our next President.  Some Americans are in deep shock, mourning, and grief.  The reason is President-elect Trump used hate speech, negative rhetoric, and sexist statements and behaviors in his campaign. Many Americans are deeply disturbed and distressed by the election results. How is it possibe that this man has been elected by the majority of our country?

As many of my readers know, I work on a college campus on sexually assaults and discrimination matters involving our students, faculty, and staff.  Many of our students have expressed fear for their safety. Our college president recently spoke to the campus to reassure us and to ask for tolerance and civility.  I will be meeting with our international students next week to educate them on where and how to receive assistance, protection, and support on our campus.

Amist all this turmoil, my higher self has risen to the challenge.  Her voice is louder than ever, and she is no longer a faint voice in the background, but a thundering voice of reason.  I believe that my personal spiritual journey of emotional healing has prepared me for what my country is about to face. One by one, countries throughout the world have devolved into hatred, violence, and corruption, even the ones we never expected.

Last Tuesday’s presidential election was the Dark Night of the Soul for America.  We are realizing that we don’t live in the country that we believe, we tolerate hate and violence, and we are complicit in oppresssing and marginalizing the less powerful and fortunate.  It is a dark place indeed.

As I have personally faced the dark night of the soul more than once, I too reflect on my personal losses. It is through these losses that I realized who I was and what I had become due to my life circumstances.  My life had devolved into victimhood, powerlessness, suffering, and perpetual physical and emotional pain. One of my greatest losses was my friend Patricia.  She is a spiritual, compassionate, and kind woman who helps the less fortunate.

I was so consumed by my abuses, traumas, pain, suffering, self hate, and negativity that she no longer could tolerate being my friend.  This is who I had become, and I lost someone I loved in my life.  To this day, I do not blame her for leaving me, as I had become intolerable to be around.  It was through these difficult losses in my personal life that forced me to take a deep, hard look at myself, and I did not like what I saw. Patricia reflected back to me who I had become, and I needed to take action to change myself and my life.

Five years ago, I worked in earnest to turn my life around.  I left my addictions, negative patterns, rage, and pain behind by confronting my past traumas, abuses, and negative patterns.  It was a dark five years for me, but I am now finding light in my life, although all of this is new and unchartered territory for me.

It is a brand new day in my personal life, and with this new found power, I shall share it with my students, community, and country.  This power is within each of us, but we must first face our own darkness, before we can find our power and light. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

The Transformation

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As some of my readers know, I have evolved so much recently, and I have decided to take the next big step on my journey.  I had a poignant conversation with someone in my life who I love dearly.  My friend is like a little sister to me, and I am leaving her as I move forward.  As I clean out my closets during my move as it is symbolic of clearing out my emotional closet, I am giving away many of my possessions.

For two weeks, I waited for my friend to pick up these items that I set aside for her. Repeatedly, she was delayed, and postponed picking up these itmes.  Finally, I texted her and explained about my putting my house on the market as I intend to leave here, and that I can no longer wait for her to pick up these items.  I decided to just drop off these items at her home.

As I saw her that day, she said, “You are leaving me.”  I did not feel guilty by her words, but simply replied, “I have out grown this place, and must move forward. I can’t tell you how excited I am about my new life.”  I no longer react to others, but simply state my reasons very calmly.   I just tell people that this is what I must do, and it is not personal to them.

This above exchange is quite symbolic of my recent evolution.  As others are caught up in their every day details of living and egos, I see a path before me with my higher self guiding me on my journey forward.  My life is simply different now, as I feel a purpose and direction for my life.  I know what I need to serve my higher purpose in helping others.

I am clear about my direction in my personal life too.  My higher self tells me to take on challenges, and not to be afraid. Even if the relationship fails, I must try as it will serve a purpose for my soul growth.  I live more fearlessly now, and my world opens up beyond the minutia of life and ego.  It is a powerful experience, and I am humbled by it. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Soaring into Unfamiliar Territory

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When we are on a spiritual journey of emotional healing and growth, there will come a time that we are traveling in unfamiliar territory.  This is where I am now.  What feels unfamiliar is how I am interacting now with my world.  I am not interested in dependency of others, so I feel disinterested in becoming entangled with others either romantically or with their drama.  It just is not interesting or neccessary for my life now.

I feel very certain about how I want to spend my time, and don’t waste time doing things I don’t want to do.  Recently, someone invited me to a football game and tailgating which I dislike and thanked him, but declined the invitation.  I have stopped pacifying and trying to please others, so I don’t do those things anymore, and I feel such relief because my self esteem no longer is dependent on others liking me.

I am moving forward in my life without knowing the outcome or trying to control the outcome.  I am listening to my inner voice on how to best proceed. It feels like flying in a fog in a plane without nagivational equipment to help me find my way.  I am moving forward only with my intuition and a little scared with anticipation.  My world feels competely differently now, and what a ride!

Is this how freedom feels?  Is this living without attachment?  Is this enlightment? I don’t yet know the answer to my questions.  It certainly feels foreign, but uncharacteristically comfortable.  My life is no longer influenced or dependent on others, and I move forward sometimes with obstacles in my way, but it is not stressful and debilitating as my life was earlier.

Here I go and where I land, I do not know.  I feel lighter and lighter, and the weight of my past is falling away.  This is the pure joy of the spiritual journey, and this is what soaring like a bird feels like.  May you find your journey into the heavens!  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Overcoming Fear and Self Loathing

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During this period of my emotional  healing and spiritual work, I finally am understanding what it’s like to love oneself.  It is not narcissitic, but self love is the beginning of unconditional love for others and humanity.  I see the world in beauty, kindness, and possibilities.  It brings tears to my eyes to see what is possible for humanity instead of the destruction, hurt, and pain that exists, particularly on this September 11.

It is fear and self hatred that create pain, destruction, and hurt within our world.  As I encounter others and observe their energy fields or auras, the dominant emotions that I sense and observe is fear.  The next most prounoucend emotion is self loathing or hatred.   When I am in others energy fields, I feel rather ill and distressed as the pain and hurt that they endure can be intolerable.  This was the pain and hurt that I experienced for most of my own life.

As I progress further and further into my spiritual healing work, I experience periods of bliss, joy, and peace that I have never experienced before as I begin to like myself more and more.  There is little monkey chatter or the negative and mindless voices within my mind.  I feel silence and peace in my mind, and fear feels like a distant memory.  This is not to say that I never feel fear, since without fear, we can be injured and harmed by predators.

The difference is that I no longer feel extreme anxiety, or perceived fear.  Anxiety is fear that may never materialize.  It is the mind’s mechanism of making us believe that we are safer if we fight or prevent these perceived fears.  It is Don Quixote fighting the windmills that were never a threat in the first place.  Think about it?  When we are able to observe our minds perceiving fear or anxiety, tell yourself it is only in your mind and it is not real.

As we overcome our fears and begin to like who we are, our lives begin to change for the better.  The pain and hurt begin to become a distant memory, and we begin to live the life that we deserve as those perceived fears no longer control us. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All RIghts Reserved)

On the Road Home

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This past weekend of Reiki Master training provided the reflection I needed to focus on my spiritual healing journey forward.  As I commune with others, I needed to decide if I am ready to begin my Reiki practice, and upon further reflection, I realized that I need to take more time to heal myself.  It took me several days to figured this out.

As an emapth, I am able to feel others physical pains when I touch them.  Recently, I have acquired others pain and continue to feel it after I stopped touching them.  At first I thought I was taking on others physical pains, but upon further analysis, I believe my existing unresolved emotional pain was triggerd, and when that emotional pain was triggered, it manifested in physical pain.  In other words, I have the same emotional pain within as the person whom I touched that is why I continue to feel this pain after I stop touching them.

This shows me that I have not sufficiently resolved the emotional pain within me to begin my Reiki practice. Reiki practice will force me to touch others and be within their energy fields for an hour or more. Therefore, I need to be sufficiently stabilized within my own emotional, physical, energetic, and astro bodies in order to properly do the healing for others.  My motto is first heal thyself, then you will be able to heal others.

This also tells me that I still need to continue my current day job then as I am ready, begin to integrate my Reiki practice first as part-time then full-time.  I also decided to move to another school as I have done all that I can in my current school in putting in place the system and structure to help sexually assaulted, physical abused, and sexually harassed victims.  I am still overcoming my own fears of leaving these students, but there are good people here to carry on this work.

I still pray everyday for guidance so that I am doing the right thing for the students and coworkers I love.  May you find your path forward.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Coming to Peace

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Yesterday was graduation day for my Master Reiki Training Class. During the last day of our training, we received two ignitions of the master Reiki energy.  During these ignitions, I felt peaceful and serene, but felt my chest very heavy like a rock was place on it, then I felt my heart chakra vibrating.  Afterwards, I felt the heavy rock rise up and saw an eagle flying higher and higher into the heavens and the light.  Then I felt the vibrations rise to my crown chakra, and felt slightly light headed.  After this ignition, I felt rejuvenated, refreshed, and invigorated, and felt that anything is possible.

These experiences symbolize my resilience and strength to move forward on my journey guided by spirit.  I have finally come to learn peace in my life with myself and others.  It is when we are ready to make peace with and forgive ourselves that we finally are able to make peace with and forgive others.

It has been such a long journey of letting go of my hurt, my past, and surrendering to the Universe.  I am humbled and grateful for all that has been guided, given, and provided to me during my spiritual journey.  I do not yet know my destiny, but my journey has been wonderous and miraculous. When I can be the bigger person to extend the olive branch, I feel that I have grown and become a better person.

After my Master Reiki training this past weekend, I returned home refreshed, invigorated, and transformed for my journey forward.  I am better able to forgive, find compassion, and be less judgmental.  I am thrilled about my experience of self discovery personally and professionally.  Through this process, I have been empowered to become the person I am intended to be. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)