Addictive Love Relationships

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As we progress in our spiritual ascension work, many have become stuck.  I have observed several people who have engaged in spiritual ascension work for nearly a decade, but failed to progress very far.  Some of the problem is getting stuck in spiritual bypass, others have become side tracked by following the wrong guru, or some have simply lost their way through their ego, attachment, codependency, or addiction.

This morning I was reading about the definition of Love Addiction in Wikipedia.  It defines addictive love relationships as follows: “Ideally, love and addiction do not have anything at all to do with one another. They are polar opposites. Nothing could be further removed from genuine love. A common process of falling into love addiction begins when a person begins to feel sympathy with another person after going through an initially innocent moment of attraction and automatically idealizes the other to the point of divinity. The individual is then blindly attached to the other person, becoming incapable of making a realistic analysis of the situation; they may project all kinds of illusions onto the other person, believing them to be the only one that can bring happiness. This process can be very quick. There are, however, those who never go past this stage of blind love, and remain ‘addicted to people, sucking on them and gobbling them up…parasitism, not love.'”

Obsession can be considered the primary symptom of any addiction. In love addiction, the individual’s insecurity gives rise to an obsessive attachment to the object of their affection. It typically manifests as an insatiable hunger that distorts the person’s perception of reality and often results in various unhealthy behaviors and suffering. Those at high risk for love addiction include recovering alcoholics/addicts who use relationships as a form of substitution, and/or individuals who grow up in alcoholic/dysfunctional family systems.”

“Like other addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, work, and the list goes on), the dependency to a person (their object- drug of choice) allows love addicts to feel alive- a sense of purpose- and to gain a sense of meaning and self-worth in the world: they are driven by ‘a fantasy hope that the drug of choice – a person – will complete them.'”

“Most love addicts start out attempting to meet some known or unknown emotional need, then become dependent on the intoxicating feelings of being in love itself. Unfortunately, as in the case of drug addicts, “love addicts”, too, may become incapable of getting the desired satisfaction, which in turn increases their addiction. They often feel a burning, passionate love that gives and gives, destroying their sense of humanity when they lose the person they’ve given to, sometimes causing them to feel and act out in a vengeful way.  The love addict suffers a lack of bonding as they did in childhood, including an inability to give and receive affection, self-destructive behavior, problems with control, and lack of healthy long term relationships.”

“Love addicts commonly and repeatedly form an addictive relationship with emotionally unavailable Avoidant partners.  The Avoidant partner is compulsively counter-dependent – they fear being engulfed/drowned/smothered by their love addict partner. Love addicts enter relationships with emotionally closed-off individuals who will let nothing and no one in, which makes intimate relationships impossible. Behind their emotional walls, hides low self-esteem and feel if they become truly known (display emotional intimacy) – no one would ever love, accept, and value who they are. Avoidants are attracted to people who have difficulty thinking for themselves, having healthy emotional boundaries, or taking care of themselves in healthy manners- the love addict.”

“Love addicts and Love Avoidants form relationships that inevitably lead to unhealthy patterns of dependency, distance, chaos, and often abuse. Nevertheless, however unsatisfactory the relationship, ‘love addicts hang on and on, because it is what they know’.  Familiarity is the central engine of their relationship. Each is attracted to the other specifically because of the familiar traits that the other exhibits, and although painful, come from childhood.”

“Ambivalent Love Addicts vacillate between love addiction and love avoidance. This can happen in successive relationships or in the same relationship. It is especially common in recovery to become ambivalent about healthy love. It is new and therefore unfamiliar, and to some, frightening.”

“This cycle encompasses a push-pull dance full of emotional highs and many lows where the one is on the chase (love addict) while the Avoidant is on the run. They both engage in counterfeit emotional involvement. Healthy emotional intimacy is replaced with melodrama and negative intensity- ironically creating the illusion of true love, intimacy, and connection – usually on an unconscious level. As a result, their relationships, although seemingly dramatic in their intensity, are actually extremely shallow.”

In order to escape the cycle of addictive love relationships, we must heal the emotional fractures and wounds within our emotional landscape, and give up our expectations of outcome with the Love Avoidant.  If interested, please click HERE for my post on emotional release  practice. Once we heal our fractures and emotional wounds within our emotional landscape, we will no longer feel the draw, compulsion, or obsession with the other.  The delusions and idealization about the other also falls away, seeing the other for who they really are.  Our illusions about the relationship as being satisfactory and feeling completeness from the other falls away too.   The reasons these things fall away is because we no longer need the coependency in our lives when we heal our emotional wounds from childhood.  ~Blessings and light, Brooke

Higher Self or Ego

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In my quest to release the ego, there were moments of confusion about who is acting whether my higher self or ego.  The clarity came when I began to see the effects of my actions on others.  Sometimes, we get lost in the weeds in trying to be act through compassionate, unconditional love, and freeing ourselves of society’s rules and expectations.  How do we know if it’s our higher self or ego running the show?

What I have learned recently is this.  The actions of the higher self almost always benefit all parties involved and are for the greater good.  The actions of ego is for self gain, possession, superiority, and recognition.  However, before we can get to this recognition, we first must be honest with ourselves.

For example, one of the behaviors that I have learned through therapy is the concept of triangulation.  In this behavior, there are usually three people involved.  One party will attempt to go to a third person to do or say something about the second person.  What happens in these circumstances is that the first and third person may try to hurt the second person through their interactions, or try to work through emotional problems without going directly to second person with whom s/he is having the conflict. This is called Triangulation, and is a form in dysfunctional behavior in relationships.

We will see this behavior in dysfunctional families, work places, relationships, and friendships.  All triangulation behaviors are unhealthy and is the result of ego’s need to manipulate and control outcome.  The only way to change this dynamic is to go directly to the person with whom you need to address the issues or resolve the problems without getting third-parties involved. My relationship with my parents involved triangulation, and as a result, many of my adult relationships began to mirror this type of dynamic as well.

When we encounter dysfunctional behaviors, these always originate from the ego, since the higher self will act and behave in ways that honor, respect, and treat all parties involved with compassion and kindness.  Our behaviors and actions by our higher selves will never hurt other emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise.  When we begin to observe our actions as hurting others, we must heed that warning and change our ego’s behaviors.  It is never too late to change ourselves for the better.  Blessings and light, Brooke (Copyright 2013 Kundalini Spirit with All Rights Reserved)

Facing the Truth

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Freedom is letting go,

Of a life that no longer serves.

It is the power to rise above the pain,

That our lives have become accustom.

It is detachment from those,

Who continue to live the old,

Those who cannot see reality,

Through twisted angst.

When dependency becomes a pattern,

Attaching from one to another,

While using Divinity as a crutch,

But unable to break free.

Few will find our way through darkness,

Toward the light that is true.

We can find this truth only within.

Where honesty faces reality,

And where love abides,

When we shall finally face ourselves,

In the mirror. ~ Brooke

(Copyright 2013 Kundalini Spirit with All Rights Reserved)

Healing Our Painbody through the Creative

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Last night, I had a dream, and in this dream I realized that I still have much painbody that is unhealed.  In this dream, I was triggered throughout by my remaining painbody.  In the past, I needed physical or conscious evidence about my emotional landscape to know what still remains.  Now, I am able to figure out what I still need to work on through my dreams or intuitive understanding.  My higher self always reminds me to stay on track, so as not to lose my way.

When I awoke this morning, as you can image my disappointment with all the hard work I have done and finding out that my painbody still remain unhealed.  I have been engaged in emotional healing work, working to release ego, and exercising to manage my energy, so what am I still missing in my work,?  My higher self told me that I need to revisit the creative to dissolve my remaining painbody.  So, it’s back into a glass studio for me to resume my art work and back to my piano to write more music compositions.

I have been so busy with my job, and barely able to get my spiritual work and exercise in everyday that I have neglected the creative in my life. It’s all a balance to become centered and healed.  May you find your balance in your life. ~ Brooke (Copyright 2013 Kundalini Spirit with All Rights Reserved)

Re-experiencing Childhood and Mourning our Loss

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As I proceed in the spiritual work, I am coming upon a period of mourning. That mourning involves in loss of my childhood.  At the age of eight, I suffered childhood abuse and trauma.  From that time forward, my childhood experiences changed dramatically.  As I begin to understand my losses of joy, security, innocence, and love, I feel deep sadness about these losses.

We also attract exactly what we need in our lives when we need them. Recently, I signed up for a scuba certification class for my summer sailing trip in the Mediterranean Sea.  In my class are two girls, one ages 12 and other 14.  They are such innocent girls who love to swim and seem very happy.  Scuba require a buddy system that always pairs us with a partner in event of an emergency.  Yesterday, I was paired with the younger girl.

While we learned how to breath, and operate our equipment underwater in a pool, this little girl became afraid and panicked.  I encouraged her and helped her calm down. It felt like helping myself as a little girl. I will have several more days of interaction with them, so I will get to know them better. We played in the water in our scuba gear together for the afternoon.  I needed be around kids about the age that I struggled as a child, and attracted this into my life.  There have been other circumstances like this, but I did not understand my purpose with them.

As I drove home, I sobbed in tears for the loss of my childhood, but felt blessed to have this experience.  It became clear what I need to learn through my interactions with these girls, and I am truly grateful for this understanding.  I know that I am being taken care of by a higher power who is looking out for me. Blessings and love to you, Brooke (Copyright 2013 Kundalini Spirit with All Rights Reserved)

Everything You Want

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Let it go,

Set them free.

Unlock the cage,

Let it soar.

It is what the Universe,

Calls us to do.

It is fear,

Of the unknown,

That prevents us,

From doing what we must.

Trust in yourself.

Your life will be,

As it shall be.

You are protected,

When you’re on your path.

They will return,

If it is meant to be.

Follow your destiny,

Return to yourself.

When you give up,

What you really need,

Only then will you finally get,

Everything you want. ~ Brooke

(Copyright 2013 Kundalini Spirit with All Rights Reserved)

Love of My Father

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As many of you know for the past two years, I have been working on emotional healing work over the childhood abuse caused by my father.  In great relief, I have finally overcome the anger, rage, sadness, loss, and grief of what happened to me.  After doing emotional release work, I recently have finally felt a difference within that of peace and acceptance of what happened to me, and my love for father still remains.

Although I suffered abuse by my father, I believe that he loves me more than anyone else in the world.  He spent hours teaching me to play tennis, helped me with my school work, sent me to college, provided a nice home for my family, and always was there when I needed him.   Because of his compulsive behaviors, rage, and anger within himself, he abused me and my brother as children. This is the contradiction involved in dysfunctional family behaviors.  I believe that if he could do it again, he would have done things differently.

This compassion that I have found for my father is deep and sincere, and I really love him very much. I wish that he could have a happier life for himself, as I have found for myself.  Sending love and light to you, Brooke (Copyright 2013 Kundalini Spirit with All Rights Reserved)

Kundalini Recovery Process – The Stages

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I recently read an article by Charles L. Whitfield, MD on the “Perspective from a Map of the Psyche and the Kundalini Recovery Process.” In his article, his discusses the different stages of emotional recovery during Kundalini, and spiritual bypass of these steps as traps in the Kundalini recovery process and becoming stuck at that stage.

Table.      Recovery and Duration According to Stages,
                 with Ease of Understanding and Using Spiritual Energy
__________________________________________________________
Recovery     Condition            Focus of             Approximate      Understanding &
Stage                                       Recovery             Duration            Using Spiritual Energy
 
     3        Human/Spiritual      Spirituality             Ongoing              Easier
 
     2        Past trauma            Trauma-specific      3-5+ years           Some difficulty
                                              recovery program
 
     1        Stage 0 disorder      Basic-illness full     1/2 to 3 years       Difficult
                                               recovery program
 
     0        Active illness           Usually none           Indefinite            Most difficult
________________________________________________________

“Stage 0 is active illness where there may be acute symptoms of Post Traumatic Distress Disorder (“PTSD”) that is current day events triggering and reminding us of our past trauma, depression, anxiety, or other mental conditions.  In stage 0, there is no active recovery occurring.  In stage 1, recovery begins of the stage 0 conditions.  After stage 1 is complete usually after at least a year of recovery work, there may be emotional release and movement of energy. Once Stage 0 conditions are resolved and stabilized, then Stage 2 recovery may begin.”

“Stage 2 recovery involves the healing the effects of past traumas, sometimes called adult child or codependence issues.  Adult child is a term that has been used to refer to anyone who grew up in an unhealthy, troubled, or dysfunctional family. Many adult children may still be in a similarly unhealthy environment, whether at home, in one or more relationships or at work. Because a Kundlaini arousal often brings up our unconscious material, working a stage 2 recovery will likely help us heal, and authentic humility assists us with this and in our spiritual growth.  Humility is facilitated by having the courage to make the choice movement by movement, to let go of ego-centered thinking and behaving.”

“Stage 3 recovery is the state into which we may be compelled prematurely by having a spiritual awakening.  It includes the experience of spirituality and its incorporation into our daily life.  It is an ongoing process.  In this stage we make meaning of our past. We are now more aware of being free of old beliefs and can work through conflicts faster as we create more stability in ours lives.”

“Trying to avoid this work of stage 1 and 2 recovery can also be called premature transcendence or high level denial. What happens is that our false self will usually pulls us back until we work through our particular unfinished business in Stage 1 and 2, since these stages of recovery are unavoidable.”  Hope you find this interesting and helpful!

Excerpt from Charles L. Whitfield, MD on the “Perspective from a Map of the Psyche and the Kundalini Recovery Process.